


Distorted Rhythm

by Pinx_B



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Future Fic, Introspection, POV Second Person, Yuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 09:01:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27967991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinx_B/pseuds/Pinx_B
Summary: Saaya reflects on a lost opportunity as Arisa prepares to commence a new chapter of her life with Tae..
Relationships: Ichigaya Arisa/Hanazono Tae, Ichigaya Arisa/Yamabuki Saaya
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	Distorted Rhythm

* * *

Regret.

You can feel the word imparted into every fragment of your being and it feels like it is asphyxiating you.

The residue of such an emotion tastes bitter, toxic.

How unsettling. 

If anyone was to peer close enough at you, they'd notice the lingering essence of irrepressible rue shrouding you like a calming storm that is about to deviate from its path and run wild.

But you are nothing if not composed, a beacon of all things positive in the world and _that_ is what you wish to display on this special day. No matter how much you resent the idea, you have begrudgingly accepted that this day is the start of many where you'll be utilising your skills in deception. 

It hurts, it feels like it's peeling away at your reserve but you're their best friend, you need to support them even though all you are doing is biting down the urge to scream as agony ruptures through your heart. 

Nothing productive would come from that. 

Even if you continuously wish that it was you in Tae's place right now.

Adorned in a magnificent white wedding kimono, standing in front of Arisa who had on an exquisite western wedding dress on. 

They complimented each other superbly. 

Ready to start the rest of their lives together. 

Arisa isn't with you, it will _never_ be you.

All you can do is watch the resplendent woman that Arisa has become, transformed into over the years. 

All you can do is drink her in, store her away in your memories, how the once obdurate girl you loved was now a remarkable woman. 

All you can do is accept that you are not the one that is marrying her.

What is Yamabuki Saaya left with?

The task of curtailing the acrimony you were steeping in. 

Your breath stalls in your throat when Arisa turns your way slightly and offers you a demure smile in all its efficacy and you can't function anymore, you can't take it. 

The affliction and enmity blossoms within you as you are sat with Kasumi, Rimi and the rest of your friends and families, ready to wish Tae and Arisa the best of luck in their life together.

But the part of you that wanted to stand up and expostulate this masquerade, to profess to Arisa that is _you_ who she should be with, that it was _you_ whom loved her enough to give up everything was barely keeping herself restrained in place.

You clench your fists as you smile back, winking at the woman who in turn blushed and mumbled your name in the way that often made your knees feel heavy. 

Her adorable reaction to your teasing has never faded, one that you loved invoking on her because it gave you the false thought that Arisa may actually feel the same.

But that wasn't the case.

Not when Tae inclines her head a tad and you read the brunette's lips, whispering how beautiful Arisa looks, how she can't wait to be her wife.

How she can't wait to spend the rest of her life with her. 

Your stomach turns, bile being ejected.

If only the procession would be over but no, it's a moment that has to be preserved for many years to come so it is paced slowly, hammering each and every nail in the idea that it could have been you and Arisa.

You're a sorry sight, you think to yourself.

To be pondering such atrocious thoughts when two of your best friends were getting married.

But you are only human, you feel wounded, jealous and enervated. 

The occasion was causing an onslaught of nepenthean effects to form within you as you're catapulted into the past where Arisa was closer to you than anyone else. 

You love Arisa, always have and most likely, always will.

Even when Tae and Arisa express their vows, you love her so much. 

They exchange rings. 

Your world disintegrates.

Strident applause and cheers permeate the room as the couple immerse themselves in an embrace. 

You join in with your own celebratory actions as Rimi and Kasumi cling to you, both teary eyed and emotional. 

_At least they are being genuine, what is the reason for your tears, Saaya?_

The diminutive voice in your mind repeats that question over and over, it gets louder, clashes around like the cymbals of your drums till you feel like your ears are bleeding. 

But your push down the acerbic feelings, taking in a deep breath as you are ushered into a hug with the happy couple and it takes everything to remain congenial despite the urge to throw up. 

Tae looks at you with so much reverence and you can't help but to pull her into another hug again, an apology for what you were thinking, for resenting her for stealing away Arisa. 

She didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of your vitriolic thoughts. 

You feel Arisa's eyes on you when you tell them that you need to excuse yourself to check on the desserts that you worked on, offering the two women a quick hug before walking out of their as casually as possible. 

It was an impossible feat because all you wanted was to run away from there, run away from your biggest mistake of not making Arisa yours. 

Such would be the basis of your anguish from then on. 

You ran away from Arisa back then and you're running away now. 

A pitiful smile braces your lips as you find the table and busy yourself, knowing damn well that you're hiding again. 

_Coward_. 

You steel yourself and focus on arranging some of the pastries, trying to stall but you know time wasn't on your side. Your involvement in Tae and Arisa's wedding has been integral, both as a best friend and the organiser.

There was no way you could reject Arisa's offer of helping her, advising her, being her right hand throughout all this. 

Such was irony. 

Aiding the woman you loved in marrying someone else. 

And yet you _did_ , simply because you would do anything for Arisa, anything to ease her burdens, to see her smile. 

Even if that resulted in Tae being the one Arisa looked at like she paved the world with gold. 

Such was fate. 

A tap on your shoulder halts your self-loathing and you turn to see Sayo. 

You conceal your surprise as the woman let's you know that Arisa and Tae were looking for you. 

It was time to take pictures with the family and close friends first. 

Because that is _all_ you will ever be to Arisa. 

A friend. 

You smile and thank Sayo and prepare yourself mentally to head there but she remains in your way, piercing green eyes levelled with yours. 

Sayo's gaze was one that could rarely be escaped and for good reasons. 

A flash of panic must have been prevalent from you as she doesn't relent, thinking of how to start the conversation again. 

She says she doesn't mean to pry but she wonders if you are alright. Her voice is steady, but you hear that glimmer of concern as Sayo is evidently trying her best to display empathy, something she has been working on over the years. 

You chuckle and offer your best imitation of appearing energetic, resting a hand over the other woman's kimono, thanking her for her concern and that you will be okay. 

It's an emotional day. 

Your best friends are getting married. 

You're just so happy. 

It sounds facetious even in your own head. 

Sayo nods curtly, though her expression remains unreadable before Lisa comes by and hooks her arm and takes yours to get you to where the others are. She scolds Sayo playfully for taking too long to find you, says she's just as easily distracted like a puppy and Sayo narrows her eyes but you see her blush. 

You're elated that they finally got through to each other, another couple meant to be. 

You feel the bitterness build again but you shove it down and grin whilst being led away by the other brunette. 

Lisa was also integral in the planning, along with Rinko whom had helped Rimi. 

So much work had gone into Arisa and Tae's wedding, especially by you. 

You abhor it all.

You hate yourself. 

The party is in full swing now after the main ceremony is over and you sneak out of the premises, needing to compose your mind and thoughts before you ruin Tae and Arisa's significant day. 

Drinking your sorrows away seems like an apt method as you take a swig of some sake, letting it run down your throat, acrid yet saccharine.

It's a pleasant distraction from the pain of your heart as you watch people converse. 

But the distraction you crave is soon disturbed by the woman you want to run away from.

Arisa catches your arm, turns you around to face her and goddess, _those_ hazel eyes, you melt and quirk your lips up at the blushing bride.

Blonde hair down, adorned with classy accessories that bring out the shape of her face. 

Her dress so sophisticated, accentuating her form, making her appear like the visionary woman that she was. 

Staring at her was a venial action, Tae would understand. 

Becoming lost in Arisa's presence was often a double edged sword. 

Your eyes blink rapidly when she calls out to you. 

Arisa is worried about you, says you look upset, that you have done so since this whole thing began. There is a timorous pinch in her voice that skewers your soul as her tone continues to burrow past your defences. 

Trust Arisa to notice, she always does.

But you stand strong, take Arisa's body against yours by placing your hands on her shoulders.

You look her in the eyes and express your honesty, well, it was more of a prevarication. 

_I'm so proud of you, Arisa._

The blonde chuckles weakly and glances away in embarrassment.

_I love you so much._

Arisa beams, stuttering the response of loving you too, thinking you mean it in a platonic way and it kills you but you laugh.

You tell her how watching her grow the way she has has been so mesmerising and you couldn't have asked for a finer friend to call your own. 

Arisa gasps, her hands resting on your face and it's then you notice your cheeks are wet and you're crying. She wipes away the clear streaks so tenderly and you grin, talking about how much of an emotional mess you are and how pleased you are for her and Tae to occlude the grief you feel. 

You are not sure if Arisa buys it as she remains close to you, says your name whilst cradling your face in her delicate hands. 

The dissonance in your mind clears, restoring the rhythm. 

Arisa was your music sheet, keeping you structured in ways no other could. 

Would it be wrong to kiss her now, just a brief touch to her lips? 

Would Tae mind? 

She has the rest of her life to do so, after all. 

The devil on your shoulder is gaining more leverage but you shake your heinous dreams free and pull the blonde into your arms.

She fits so perfectly against you as her hands rest around your back and you take her in, knowing that this would be the last time you could feel her over you like this without temptation testing you. 

You're not selfish, that's just not how you were made.

Hurting Arisa and Tae was simply not an option regardless of what you wanted. 

_Arisa_. 

Banishing the voices which were causing a dissension in your head, you squeeze your eyes shut to halt any further tears and bring your lips closer to Arisa's ear and do what any benevolent friend would do. 

You congratulate the one woman you love about her marriage to someone that isn't you, you wish her well, you say everything _but_ the one thing you wish to say.

_I'm in love with you, Arisa._

It is a secret that you are going to take to the grave with you. 


End file.
